"If neurotic is wanting two mutually exclusive things at one and the same time, then I'm neurotic as hell. I'll be flying back and forth between one mutually exclusive thing and another for the rest of my days." -Sylvia Plath
Well, that quote about sums up my life completely. One day I'm thrilled with my life and couldn't ask for anything more, the next I'm dwelling over how different my life could be had I been born into a more fortunate situation.
Here's my story. My mother has worked for my entire life, at one point she worked two jobs simultaneously. She wasn't around much, and when she was she was exhausted from work. We didn't do normal "family things," like go to the movies together, have dinner at the table every night, etc, etc. This isn't to say in any way shape or form that she was a bad mother or that I was neglected. But I just see my friends who have more attentive mothers and I do get jealous sometimes. I appreciate how hard my mother worked with what she was given to keep food on the table and blah, blah, blah. The whole thing. I've said it a hundred times in diffent ways. But that is simply not what I want for my kids one day. I want to be home when they get off the bus. I want to take them to soccer practice. I want to be on PTA. I want to drive a stupid ridiculous mini van and have a sticker on the back that says my child was student of the month. I'm a suburban girl at heart, and proud of that.
But where does this cute little idea of being suburban mommy fit in to my enormous law school debt and probably lifetime struggle to be made partner and bill hours? Can these dreams go hand in hand? I'm already almost 50k in debt from undergraduate, and that number will increase exponentially with each year of law school. I was lucky enough to receive a $20,000 a year scholarship from Villanova, but that only puts a small dent in the law school price tag.
Overall, I'm a girl with huge amibitons. But they're not just professional. They're also personal. Can I be the mother and wife I want to be if I have to work forever to pay off loan debts? I would say without a doubt that my desire to have children and to get married is much stronger than my desire to be a lawyer. There, I said it! Does that make me a foolish person for spending over a hundred thousand borrowed dollars on a legal education?
Thanks for listening, that one needed to come out sooner or later!
2 years ago
7 comments:
I plan on doing both :) I figure I can bust my ass for a few years (my firm makes associates partner after 3 years) and then get pregnant and work 3/4 time while raising kiddos. Who says we can't have it all :)
Aw, no! I don't think your stupid at all! I think you can have *GREAT* personal and career goals and when the time comes, you'll figure out just how to make them both work for you! :)
Don't forget, you can be a government lawyer, work 9-5 (or 7-3), make at or above $60K, have great health care, and they pay off some of your loans. I want to be a mom more than I wanted to be a lawyer, but my parents paid for law school - so, honestly, I don't know what I would do if I were in your shoes. But I think you'll make the right decision, and the government is a happy medium for you :) OR you could do what DAR wants to do - but you have to work really hard your first year if you want a big firm job! You'll be great - these things always work out, and no one ever regrets a great education :)
I know exactly how you feel (minus the lawyer thing...I'm in publicity). I really want to stay home with my kids but I also really need to pay of my college debt first.
Just came across your blog. Love it!
liliesandgrapes.blogspot.com
I'm not a lawyer, but I am an accountant, and I've already made it to a manager position. No kids yet, but I definitely have this debate in my head all the time.
I wouldn't be writing this had you not asked, but after reading your blog quite a bit, I think that yes, you are making a big mistake by taking out a small fortune and going to law school. If you truly want to be a better, more attentive mother than your own, I seriously think you should defer going into law school for at least a year and sort through things. It sounds as if you are conflicted. And that is not the time to make such big decisions. I read your post about wanting to get married and about how your are moving in with your boyfriend. What incentive would he have to marry you when he is getting everything he wants already? You need to think about these things. They will effect your life for many years. I sense major sadness in your future over the decisions you are making right now and it saddens me because it is like watching a train wreck coming from a million miles away and not being able to do anything about it. I am 32 and happily married...to an attorney. He took out major loans to go to law school and he loves his job, but we are still paying them off at hundreds of dollars every month. I wouldn't trade it though because he loves his job. You on the other hand, want to be a mother. You can't do both successfully. Sometimes, you just can't have it all. My sister went to Boalt Hall at Berkeley and works a lot of hours as an in-house attorney for a large technology firm in Palo Alto. Her kids suffer for it. I also read your post about Noah Whitmer - it made me very sad and all I could think was, had his mother been home taking care of him it would never have happened. You probably think I am heartless for saying that, but I just take motherhood very seriously. Kids don't ask to be born. They are innocent. If you want a career with lots of hours, then that is fine, but please don't bring children into this world. You don't have to have kids. There is no rule saying you must have children. My best friend doesn't want kids. She is high level exec in a huge pharmaceutical company and knows having them would be a disservice to them since she loves her job so much. She would not have time for them. If you want kids and you want them soon, there is nothing wrong with finding someone who will marry you and would love for you to just be their wife and mother to your kids. It's what I found and I am very happy. Either way you go, please don't try to have it all. Life is a series of choices - when we choose one thing we give up another. I was an accountant in one of the biggest accounting firms in the world and gave it up because you just can't do it all and do it well. If you try, something will have to give and usually it's the kids that suffer. And the worst part is that they know it. My sister's kids know they aren't as important to her as her career and they really suffer. It saddens me to see it. They know that when they are sick their mom won't be there to fan them and make them soup. They know they come second and it hurts them. And there is no way to have a job and have them believe they come first because when it gets to be a pinch, you'll stay later, have someone else watch them, have someone else do the mothering because it is easier than saying no to your boss. If you want a career, then great, choose that. If you want to be a mom, then great, choose that. I am not a proponent of either. They are both equally valid decisions. But, please don't try to do both. You will be causing pain to children who did not ask to be born. And you will be responsible for that.
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